My birthday is coming up in a few days here and CPB’s been asking me what I want to do the evening of. I’ve not really had time to think about it, and keep telling him I’ll let him know. I think I’ve got an idea now.
This morning I stepped out of the shower and I saw my tattoo. I can go for weeks at a time not noticing it, but today the red star with the black outline caught my eye, and I didn’t just see it, I remembered what it means to me.
I got that tattoo when I first got the chance, when I turned 18 and was allowed to mark up my body any way I chose. Not that I hate my parents or anything like that, I just knew that I was different and I wanted to commemorate that I wasn’t going to end up being like them – I wasn’t going to grow up to be a proper housewife in the suburbs, I wasn’t going to be a business exec. I still don’t know what I’m going to be – maybe some version of what I am right now, a girl who got lucky and settled down with a guy to live a fairly modest life in some sleepy country town; a girl who is likewise lucky to be a kinky fucker in the evenings and on the weekends. Anyhow, my tattoo is a reminder of who I am and the experiences I’ve been through, and how I am evolving in the way that is meant to be. The symbology behind it is a little esoteric and another story, but that’s what it means in a nutshell.
Now that I’m turning 28, the ten year anniversary of getting that tattoo, I want to look back and remember everything that has happened. I want to inscribe every person that I’ve met, every experience I’ve had, every emotion that I’ve felt, and feel it in my breast and in my heart. I want to remember the “good” and the “bad”. I want to think of the people I love, the people I’ve loved and who have gone away, and the people my friends tell me treated me poorly but I still can’t admit that they did. Most of them. Like me, the ink will not forget the happy times, but neither will it forget the times where my sorrow took me to the deepest darkest places I’ve ever been. It will be buried in my skin, a part of me that can’t go away, and I’ll be thankful for it and cherish it.
For my 28th birthday I want to remember.