Let’s go ahead and start with an anecdote.
A few of the local kink groups, and one of the local relationships discussion groups, meet for parties at a swingers club that’s here in Columbus. It has been a venue that has treated our community well, and my time there has always been enjoyable. Just about two months ago I went on a date with a new guy to one of these events, and we ended up in one of the private rooms together. Well, a few of the rooms. Gotta spread the wealth. In the “doctor’s office”, while inspecting the counter top and exam table, I turn around and he leaned down to kiss me for the first time that night. For the first time ever actually, pretty sure. Hooray, first kiss!! Anyhow, things start to get hot and heavy, gropey good times, and my occasionally prudish self whispers out, “I don’t want to go too far tonight”, which is a very subjective thing, but I’m not going to kiss and tell too much. We briefly discuss where things can and can’t go, agree upon them, and move forward.
Not outside of a minute or two later I start doing something weird – I find myself thanking him as he’s kissing me, feeling me, undressing me. What the hell is that all about? After this seemingly ridiculous thing comes out of my mouth several times, I start wondering “Why am I saying this?” “Where is this coming from?” And then he asks about it…. embarrassing!! Embarrassing because I’m not certain why and it’s such a strange thing to say in this situation…. but then it starts to dawn on me, and I have been thinking about it on occasion ever since.
I have become used to my boundaries being pushed by those who I don’t want pushing my boundaries (to be sure, there are some partners with whom I have joyfully practiced consensual nonconsent and those I trust to push, and that was/is hot. This writing is not about them). I have had my eager-to-please nature taken advantage of. It is fucking sad as fuck. Despite the F-bombs, I’m not that angry about it for some reason, though some would say I should be. Let’s call it radical forgiveness or Buddhist philosophy or some other nonsense that I subscribe to. I suppose that I have become quietly resigned to it in some ways as well. Let me point out that this is not a pity party. But I don’t believe for one minute that ANYONE should give up and let people do to them what they don’t want to be done. My thinking, and the thinking of several others is seems, needs to change (imho). God knows my paradigm has shifted.
The last year has been a year of many changes, coupled with a lot of personal growth for me. I have made and am continuing to make new goals in development as a human being, not only for the benefit of myself, but for those around me. Right here. Right now: In this writing I am pledging to myself to not let people exploit my sometimes too acquiescent nature; I’m not going to be too acquiescent, period. I am not going to be too eager to please. I am never going to “let” somebody violate me again (and goddess willing, someday I will have the strength to have it behind me).
So. To sum it up, folks, it is never necessary to thank somebody for respecting you and your boundaries. Never. They should be doing that shit anyway.